*Me calling Mama Mai. Ring ring!
Me: Hi Mom! Freddy and I are trying to eat less meat this month to get healthier, so I wanted to have fish for dinner. Can you teach me to make Ca Hap (steamed fish in Vietnamese)?
MM: Yes, finally you do da cook. It easy like 20 min. But you know meat not make you fat. Mac n chee dat make you fat, you know dat?
Me: Mom, yes. Never mind that. Ok how do I make this fish. I got a striped bass, and the nice guy at Ranch 99 cleaned it for me already.
MM: Ok. First, you don't trust dat guy. You washing da fish. Wash it very cleaning. Smell fresh.
Me: Ok. Done.
MM: Now you chop the vegetables you want wit da fish. You cut da lemoncrass, see-lancho, possley, onion, and gahlick. Chop many and save sum for later some now. Den you cut the fish in half and you put all of dem inside da fish. Careful Jeannie! Don't be stupid, cut da fish in half like magic show. Cut, SLICE, da body so like open da fish. Den stuffing the fish.
Me: Wait..how much of vegetables? Do you have measurements of all this?
MM: I don't measure. Who measure? Dis not TV. Dis life. Just use your eyeball.
Me: (staring at veggies) Um.. ok..
MM: (moves on) Ok now you have two option. You can put soy sauce on over da fish, on da skin, da veggie. Or you use Mommy fish sauce (nuoc mam) I make foh you before. Do you still have or you eat them all? Dat a special sauce I make very good, if u sell at da store everybody will buy.
Me: Yes! I want to use your OG fish sauce. Ok so I put that all over the fish right? And inside the body and on the veggies? How MUCH do I measure?
MM: U ask me again. I don't measure! Use your eyeball. Den you put in oven. Baking 400 degree foh 20 minute. You watch ok? U keep twitter instagram your fish burn turn ugly.
Me: Wait Mom, so I'm just guessing how much sauce to pour over it??
MM: Hah? Why you keep confusing me? I don't measure, just look wit your eyeball and guess!
Me: Omg. Ok. *pouring sauce, and guessing...doubting...whatever. Pop in oven, turn on time.*
MM: Ok before it done, like FIVE MINUTES befoh, you pay attention, you take honey or diet sugar u eat, and you putting ovah da fish. Like da sun tan lotion, it make the fish crunchy and turn brow.
MM: Dat what I say. Brow.
Me: Ok. *20 min later* Ding! Yay it's done! Mom that's IT??? Seriously?
MM: Yes! If you want to test because you not sure cook done, just take chopstick and stick down da fish all da way, see if stick come out clean.
Me: Oh! Ok I got that.
MM: Den you decorate like on tv. Put nice dish, nice noodle or whatever. Make nice, not look homeless.
Me: Ok mom. Wow it smells so good! Thank you Mom I can't wait to try it!!! The onions and garlic made this fish smell delicious!
MM: Ok now I done. You bother me a long time. Next time you call after I watching Da Voice. I love dis show. Christina she getting fat again.
Me: Bye Mom.